I was mostly avoiding writing a 12 paragraph comment. Any diet or self image issue taken to the extreme is an eating disorder. The most important lesson there is don’t take it to extremes. For people who struggle to diet in the first place, it’s not impossible but also not likely for the pendulum to swing that far in the opposite direction.

But if It ever did get to that point, no matter how or why, it’s not shameful or embarrassing and you can ask for help. Everybody just wants to see you healthy.

I’m only a sample size of one, but I lost half my weight and have kept it off for over a decade. I’m still borderline overweight, but healthy. There was no single trick, but the biggest thing was just sticking to it long enough. Once my body got used to being a lower weight, I was way less tempted to eat such large portions. The reframing I posted was taught to me by my therapist and helped me get to that point.

You gotta be in it for the long haul, but it’s long and difficult so take anything you can get to ease the journey. The easier it is, the more likely you will make it to the end.

It always helped me to think of hunger as winning. Hunger is the goal. Hunger is weight loss. If I’m hungry, it’s not a thing to be fixed. It’s what I want! I win! I’m hungry? Hell yeah.

Get your dopamine from hunger instead.

I’ve always had something wrong with me. The various diagnoses never fit and treatments didn’t do much. After making progress with my depression, I reaffirmed that it’s a result of my struggles, not the cause of them. So I stopped taking my meds, which never helped anyway.

At least, not how I expected. All my life, the mental fog and feeling scatterbrained was just normal. Even when starting Wellbutrin, it was mixed with other medications and ramped up so slowly that I never noticed the difference it made. But suddenly going without, I realized … oh, this has gotta be ADHD. So I got diagnosed and I’m seeing where that leads me.

It’s been a long road, and more difficult than most. But maybe soon it’ll finally get a little easier.

I only mentioned it because it took me a long time to realize, and if you ever try again I hope it helps.

Even after getting a diagnosis my brain keeps moving the goalposts, so I get it. Now I keep thinking things like: “it’s just one opinion”, “maybe they were being generous”, etc. I don’t know if I’ll ever give myself a damn break. But I can easily say the words to other people.

The fact is, getting ADHD properly diagnosed is extremely variable. Some people are much easier to diagnose, and some doctors are much better. Those of us still figuring this out later in life aren’t the easy cases, and a lot of doctors won’t look too hard. It doesn’t make your case any less valid. It just means you have to work that much harder to get the right diagnosis - while struggling with a condition that literally makes it harder.

I pointed out to the doctor that tested me how I could answer many questions as a 1 or a 5 depending on how I interpreted it. For example, “have problems with being on time.” I could say never or almost never, or I could say the overwhelming fear of losing track of time and being late ensures I’ll do nothing beforehand and leave way too early out of boredom/anxiety.

In the end I put 5 because what they’re looking for is if you’ve struggled with these problems for your whole life. Learning and implementing coping mechanisms isn’t an argument against that struggle, it’s evidence for it.

But for what it’s worth, I answered 1 the first time I took one of those and went 12 more years without getting diagnosed. I think about that a lot.

The easiest way is to ask questions. Even neurotypicals get themselves into trouble by making too many assumptions. So try not to. When somebody tells you about something that they seem to like talking about, ask them more about it. Even better, ask them if they’d be okay telling you more about it to make sure you didn’t assume incorrectly that they liked that subject. Ask them about things they care about or put effort into, like their clothes if they have a funny t-shirt or a nice looking outfit. Once you know a person better, you can even ask them how they like to be treated and how they like to have conversations.

Just stay curious about everything and avoid making assumptions. That alone will make you better at conversation than a lot of people.

The same happened to one of mine. The doctor said it might stay gone after I removed it on my own (it was easy and painless) but it still came back again so we let it grow out a little until they could do their thing again. I don’t remember it being as bad the second time because there wasn’t much nail that survived the first round, so it was really just clean up. It never came back again after round two.

wtf, they took the whole nail off!? Not that I’d really mind, for the reasons you’ve stated. Ingrown toenails somehow run in my family, but when I get the permanent procedure done the doctor still just removes a slice off on the side. What made them do the entire nail?

I thought about my answer before opening the comments and I feel validated to find you already posted it verbatim.

For me it comes down to how you use language. Mental health is important to me and I recognize the power of words, so I care more about the impact of language use. No matter how much you reassure people that it’s okay to fail, failing still feels bad. It makes people feel like … a failure. That seems counterproductive and unnecessary to me. Why make people feel bad when they did nothing wrong?

You can specify exactly how and why it’s a failure if you want, and you’re not technically wrong. I’m just not principally concerned with being technically correct in the first place. I’m reframing the standard narrative because I hate to see it go unchallenged. So for anyone who’s hurting and reads this and feels like shit, this time I’ll be the one to say something.

That’s what I strive for in any relationship: staying together purely because we choose to. I don’t want someone to stay with me for any other reason, and I want my partner to know that I choose them. Not out of obligation or necessity, but because I truly want them close to me. It’s simple but meaningful.

It’s also okay to fail. I agree with that as well. I just won’t see a relationship - marriage or not - as a failure if it brought two people happiness for a while until they amicably decide to end it. It’s only a failure when it makes them miserable or when they end it by needlessly hurting the other person. But… that’s still okay if they can at least see what they did wrong and learn from it. We all make mistakes.

I see it mostly as a legal contract and legal status, but with a lot of extra baggage heaped on top. It’s an overloaded concept that tries to cover too many things at once, making them all suffer. Separate out the legal business and you’d lose the need for an explicit declaration that this union is to exist in perpetuity until cancelled by either party. Sure sounds full of romance when stated that way, doesn’t it?

But realistically, we all know you can get divorced. While we might hope it’ll be forever, we also know we’re still not gonna stick around if things get too bad (nor should we). Nobody has the shocked pikachu face when marriage isn’t forever after all. No matter what the vows say, in practice we pretty well accept that it’s a big commitment, but not a permanent one.

I think it definitely applies to relationships. It does you and any of your partners a disservice to say your relationship was only a success if one of you died.

A person isn’t a thing you possess. They have needs that grow and change with them. If those needs ever stop being compatible with the relationship, then the relationship should end. That’s not failure. It’s wanting the person you love to be happy.

Online dating is brutal and something I learned to avoid. But if you go that route, don’t make it more than it is. If you think of any part of it as a once in a blue moon opportunity, you’re going to go through hell with nothing to show for it. For both practical results and your mental health, it can’t feel important. When you’re lonely and trying to find someone, it’s really hard to get into that mentality, but it’s crucial.

A match is nothing. Meeting up for the first time is barely interesting. Don’t expect anything from it. Don’t get your hopes up. It’s literally just a conversation. So go into it looking to have a fun conversation. Having fun with it is winning because it makes you more fun to be around, and even if you only have fun conversations you’re still having fun.

Fun is the goal. If you end up making a friend or two out of it, that’s a bonus. You might meet even more people through those new friends. Keep at it long enough and the numbers work in your favor. But that could be a while, so this is just some fun thing you do, like your daily Duolingo lesson. Neither is that serious or useful … but kinda. ish.

The advice to socialize offline is good and well meaning, but it’s also not what you’re asking.

I’ve found a lot of very positive communities through smaller Twitch streams. I mean like under 50 average viewers tops, usually quite a bit smaller than even that. It’s easy if you like gaming, but there are channels for everything. The nice thing is you can just drop into a channel and lurk for a while to get the vibe, then leave if it’s not the kind of energy you’re looking for.

There are plenty of downsides. Even if it goes well, most of the people you meet will be far away. Parasocial relationships are something to be aware of to make sure you don’t fall into that trap, especially if you’re lonely. Also, there’s good and bad like anywhere else. But, it’s also common to hear people in these spaces express gratitude for the support and friendship they’ve found there that exceeded their expectations.

I don’t want to undersell or oversell it, really. It’s an option that’s easy to try and might work, but be careful like with anything. Making an effort to get out more is good, too, whenever time and energy permit. I don’t think offline and online spaces can replace each other - they each excel at different things. I hope you find your community. Or several.