Someone at work that used to be my direct manager had a meeting with me to introduce themselves. They didn’t recognize me at all and I didn’t want to out myself by disclosing who I was, so I went along with it.
I don’t like lying, and when they asked about my work history I was honest even though it created immediate suspicion (how could we have not worked together given when I started working and my job experience?), and I just shrugged. It’s obviously a kind of deception to not out myself, and I don’t like that - but my instincts say it’s better in this context to not out myself.
Probably relevant to the context is that the boss is male, older, conservative, and an immigrant from a non-Western culture that is not open minded about these things.
I am pretty sure based on things they have said in the past that they wouldn’t be tolerant of a trans person.
Anyway, to my trans elders: how have you handled situations like this?
I think the smile and shrug strategy is the best option here! Just think of it as affirming, since he doesn’t recognize you at all.
ha, thanks - good to know you think it’s OK 😅
I guess I’m worried if he finds out later from someone else at work (I worked here pre-transition and most people where I work remember me from before I transitioned). Besides fear of his anti-trans bias, I don’t want him to feel like I lied to him (but maybe I just can’t help that).
My guess is he would feel like you lied regardless of if you told him upfront or he found out later. It’s just not worth outing yourself.
Personally what I heard people do, is:
to people you know would be def allies, disclose if you want; and to those that one is unsure about, try to run with it. Those I think would not be, you might as well not disclose. But always, this goes: never feel bad for not disclosing. Your safety goes above everything.
For like online dating, I heard people say they disclose before starting something. If they then say, “even better” in a creepy tone (chaser), or something like “ew, disgusting/oh so you’re a (wrong gender) in (right gender)'s clothes” (transphobe), that’s a sign to avoid them.
